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the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 1/?) 

so my friends had this guy, let's call him peter, living in the basement bedroom in their rental house in new orleans. peter had been moping around about his latest breakup, getting miserable drunk, etc. so my friends encouraged him to get out there again, make a dating profile, what have you

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 2/?) 

well i guess it worked cause my friends came home from the bar one night to find peter in flagrante delicto on the living room (suede!) couch with some strange woman — and they just keep going at it, entirely unabashed!

my friends bolt through the living room and reconvene in the kitchen at the back of the house. as they are looking at each other mouthing "what the fuck" one of them casually sets his hand down on the counter,

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the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

only to find that the counter, and really just about every surface in the kitchen has a thin coating of oil and the canola bottle is entirely empty

they wait until things die down in the living room before they come in brandishing the empty canola bottle and say "hey peter, what the fuck's with all the canola oil everywhere?"

and without missing a beat, peter's date looks them in the eyes and says, completely deadpan,

"it's for anal."

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the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 1/?) 

@triz oh boy

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz Jesus fuck

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz I guess that couch was fucking ruined eh

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@Aleums house*

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz @Aleums at least the oil is flammable so there's a solution readily available

re: the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz :ohno:

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz ??? i do this all the time

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@garfiald see i prefer a refined (not extra virgin) olive oil, for the higher smoke point

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz @garfiald god damn it i made this joke like ten minutes ago >:|

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz canola parties are so 1960s 💁‍♀️

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz ahahahahah omfg Im screaming internally so loud

This is unbelievable

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz NO IT'S NOT, PETER

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz i came here to boo a pun and instead im just angry

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz I'm hyperventilating

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz WOO PETER!

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz so was like, getting it all over the kitchen some sort of pre-anal ritual or did they really just spread canola-booty juice everywhere by determinedly fucking on every surface in the house

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@myconidiosyncrasy a mystery for the ages

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz i'm going to be thinking about this for years

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz Also I really appreciate the (no pun) CW because it unironically saved me about 10 minutes of looking for one =P

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@witchfynder_finder haha yeah i wanted to make sure the "punch line" stood on its own as like, this isn't a joke this is actually something someone had the audacity to do and say lmao

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz I've just gone through the stages of grief from reading this thread, and anyways I'm currently at whatever stage is wondering how they ever managed to clean that house (not feel like it's clean, because obviously you never could again, but at least in theory get every surface free of actual canola oil, if not the spirit of the canola oil)??

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@NormalPopsicle a mild detergent, a sponge, and some old fashioned elbow grease before finishing up with a disinfectant i'd imagine. they've since moved though, naturally

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz well, a different strategy from my first guess of gasoline and fire, but I suppose that woulda worked. Hopefully with lots of help from Peter....

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz this rules. way to go peter.

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz desperately searching for the pun while my hair turns whiter and whiter

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@lemoncarrots no pun, says there on the tin

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz I didn't read the tin because it was too slippery to pick up

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz ICON. i am stanning peter

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 3/3) (no pun) 

@triz ah aha

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 1/?) 

@triz my day is better for having read this, thank you

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 1/?) 

@k hahaha thank you i'm glad you enjoyed

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 1/?) 

@triz ohmmygod

@triz i have read this story like 7 times and it doesnt get any less weird

@dankwraith it feels like a farrelly brothers bit but i s2g it happened

re: the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 1/?) 

@triz you can't spell canola without NO

the canola story (lewd, food, gross) (thread, 1/?) 

@triz This kills the friendship

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